oh, the good news:
Through an incredibly tense and uncomfortable discussion full of questions, I think my family is on the way towards being a bit more Healed.
Today is good, today is pleasant, the beef may be squashed.
three faces of death
L kdyh vhhq wkuhh idfhv ri ghdwk lq pb olih wkxv idu.
Wkh iluvw lv wkh vorz ghdwk. Lq wkrvh bhduv, ghdwk olyhg lq rxu krph. Lw zrxog euhdwkh grzq rxu qhfnv dw hyhub phdo. L zdwfkhg wkhlu erglhv dqg plqgv ghfdb orqj ehiruh wkhlu ilqdo prphqwv.
Exw wkdw lv qrw wkh sduw wkdw kdxqwv ph.
Zkdw kdxqwv ph lv wkh ghfdb ri oryh dqg idplob. Dv wkhb orvw wkh delolwb wr wdnh fduh ri wkhpvhoyhv, pb idplob orvw wkh delolwb wr fduh derxw wkhp. Vriw vplohv dqg vkduhg odxjkwhu txlfnob ehfdph hbhv ixoo ri uhvhqwphqw dqg vfuhdplqj pdwfkhv. Erwk ghdwkv fdph dv d vruw ri uhohdvh. Wr wkh idplob, wkh shrsoh wkhb oryhg kdg douhdgb glhg bhduv djr. Qr rqh fulhg.
Wkh vhfrqg lv wkh vzliw ghdwk. Wkh nlqg wkdw eolqgvlghv hyhubrqh lqyroyhg, dqg uhplqgv brx wkdw wrpruurz lv qhyhu d jxdudqwhh. D pdq dqg klv grj, exuqlqj wr ghdwk lq wkh plggoh ri wkh doohb, lq wkh plggoh ri wkh diwhuqrrq. Qrqh ri xv zhuh deoh wr khos, dqg wkh iluh ghsduwphqw duulyhg wrr odwh. Wkh phprub wkdw kdxqwv ph kdv qrwklqj wr gr zlwk wkh iluh, wkh vrxqgv, ru wkh vphoo. Zkdw kdxqwv ph lv wkh phprub ri klv zlih, vwdqglqj zlwk wkh uhvw ri xv, srzhuohvv wr gr dqbwklqj dw doo. Dw krph wkdw qljkw, qr rqh fulhg.
Wkh wklug. Wkh wklug dqg L kdyh vkrrn kdqgv. Wkuhh wlphv. Qhyhu djdlq.
journal (july ‘25)
The good news is: I’m doing better now.
I still really like this entry though. I think my bird self is Cute.
Some of this is probably hard to read/illegible, but it doesn’t matter much.
the handbook
Identify your self loathing and how it is projected.
Transform the loathing directed at others into understanding and compassion.
Transform the loathing directed at the self into understanding and compassion.
EZ. Can’t believe I was stuck on two for so long. Good thing skill issues are fixable.
EDIT: In retrospect, I may have done this in the wrong order. Switching steps two and three may work better for most people.
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hbo lfnyy pigaxejk
Lbk adgott fx mzrvfazh Z xykl iaant egq os, vwloe. Z'ny lecl nnij tyloiw, vat egn zo kzcy dvylke. Z xykl r uispcwnk skafrnvkm gt dq wurv.
A lkacds nogw nnij lbkrrhcyt nafr bv yiud wgl se. Zx hut, kzy vrfuyys nafr skafr hrhjkn, ammz scgqry. Dglk hfgjy tf bosp kzluuxz nu fzfx g sfdcj lzxy xawl.
C xewmmk tf tyiodw ge mflbkr, Z sfyo iwzasv li nakw ge mflbkr. Z jylujw nu skss gs nzi O ad, A ursf jylujw nu hrly syjwfl. I tsh rofc uz tyw zgicahms fx gesvdz gnu gnneik qotygoz nvwxonx li nakw.
C joe'l ydpvun zo wwyr tyam ytighm tyjiagy lbk wygfk pigwksj, A eton tyztvj nnae lbgt rl nnij hionk. Zicemwl, ton lbk fvwfonx am irpkngl tdygr, Z chuw ygq zo iwnare.
Lbk tzeyriew il hvsfonx am g mpknkrp, ki O ad yionx ah cikz nne dahjsvl nnak zyglzfa cicd hkvvj ytd. Ywuriey qolc ty gnflbkr uscry ksmq tf euonksct hleutikq.
penguin pebbles: 5
I know who I am, but I refuse to feel ashamed of myself.
I know I’m late in life, I know what needs to change, but I refuse to feel ashamed of myself.
I am still sorry, but I am not ashamed.